Addict!

I think it is time for a n intervention on myself. I am a serious food addict. It feels so wrong. Like yesterday I had icecream and pizza and cookies. And after the fact was like "what the fak. WHAT DID YOU DO?" I feel out of controll. No wonder it has taken like 2 years for me to lose 60lbs. I don't want it to take another 3 to lose the next 70lbs. I need to finish this this year.

I did get a call from Family Services yesterday. My name came up on the waiting list for counciling. I hope that hepls. I feel like it is something I realy need. I am going to try AGAIN to start bloging daily. Right now my brain is on jumble mode but i had to start somewhere.

This constant conflicting feeling of being ready to do this for real and being suckered into flaking out by my own messed up mind it BEYOND frustrating.

It is morning and I just finished my breakfast. 1 egg, WG toast and v8. Then I am watching biggest loser then off for a workout. Today has to be the day. It has to be the first day of doing this thing.

OMG the stress!

I am soo stressed out lately. Not that stress is something new for me. I am dealing with it without scarfing down junk. For instance last night I came home from work to the neighbor's yard full of cars and a huge party going on. These ppl are degenerates and low lifes and we have had nothing but trouble from them. The police are there constantly, our home was broken into last summer by one of their friends that was staying with them, fights, drinking and driving, so on and so on. Anyway, so when they have big parties it makes me very nervous. I was beside myself wanting a junkie treat. I complained and pouted. But I didn't get something. Hubby talked me down and eventualy I fell asleep. So there is a win for me I guess.

I have a problem with cleaning. I am a neat freak. Like full out ocd about it (exagerating but still). Mess makes me panic. I have been working alot this week and hubb is the opposit of me. He basicaly cleans...nothing. He's kind of useless in that department. So as the clutter and mess grows so does my anxiety about it. For the life of me I don't know how to get over this.

My youngest son is giving me emense termoil. The temper tantrums and the defiance and the mischeif. Always into something, always yelling, always doing the opposit of what I say. Does not listen in any way. My other kids are not like this. If he isn't home the other 3 kids...well it seems like there are no kids here. I love hime and he can be the sweetest and the cutest and...I just don't know how to handle him. I feel like I went so wrong somewhere and I don't know how to help him. Everything is a fight or screaming match. It starts the moment he wakes up untill he is sleeping. It's very overwhelming.

Anywho. Off to try to get some workout in before the day goes all to hell.

Thanks for the Cheesey Potatoes....and the the Bacon Burger.

As per usual I had Sunday supper at my mom's yesterday. We had steak and these rediculously unhealthy cheesey potatoes. Then that night me and hubby order bacon cheese burgers from our fav resturant. So it is no surprise that the scale has not been moving an smidge.

I need to focus on my food and get this done. Like ASAP. I need to get out of the 200's by summertime. I can do this. I have to focus. That is so hard. I always feel so confused and off track with everything.

I have been major stressed out lately. Life seems so chaotic and I don't know how to focus on anything.I have all these ideas of how to make things better. Like eating, I know what to eat and how much. But it never works out that way. Same with everything form my kids to my job. I am spread too thin over my life. I am scared that I am not the only one suffering from it either.

Today has possibility though. Today could be a better day. Or not...

Oatmeal & P90X

After a full week of eating slips here and there My TOM is over and I feel amazing again. Yesterday was spot on. I have been trying to do P90X with my husband at least every other day. I realy want this and I want to be in good shape not just smaller. I want to be ripped lol. That thought kind of makes me laugh. I was thin in highschool but not muscley at all. It'[s hard to think of.

For like the last year I have had oatmeal with apples for breakfast. The instant kind. But I tried the stove top stuff this morning. The regular kind. BARF! It's like eating wet cardboard. Back to the instant stuff for me I guess.

I have to go get a new scale this week. I was down another 2 lbs on my mom's scale but I don't trust it. I was thinking about weighing myself on the industrial scale at the shop. It's pretty acurate. I'd have to keep doing that tho. And I don't know how crazy I am about the guys at the shop seeing how much I actualy weigh.

I have always been told I cary my weight well. I've even been told not to loose too much more. PPl never believe me that I was almost 300lbs and that I n0w weigh like 220lbs. but maybe that is what ppl are supposed to say.

Questions

I question everything. My parenting skills, my worth as person, my relationship with my husband, by ability to loose or not loose weight. This happens to be a pretty terrible morning. I am so stuck in such a bad spot. I just feel like my whole life is so unhealthy. I mean I try to lead a normal life. But I am so ashamed of my life that I avoid everything. People make me uncomfortable. I talk to no one because, well what would I say. What conversation would I have with my friend, if I had one? "Oh well, my husband is mean. Or at least that is the way I feel it but he thinks he's awesome. And my kids are having problems in school and they never listen to me. But that is because I'm a useless parent. What kind of parent can't get their kid to eat breakfast? Me that's who. Oh ya and as much as I want to not be fat I also have no will power and can't."

What am I doing in this life. Why am I still going round in this sick life. That's what it is sick. Unhealthy. But I don't know...I don't know what to do. I feel helpless. I feel like every time I try to make things better, I get slapped out of it. Thisngs are so bad I can't even type them. Becayse it is embarrasing. I would be told I am stupid for typing anything in the first place. I should just get over it and shut up and and stop being such a baby. I should never talk to anyone about anything.

Starting to sound a little on the crazy side of things now. I feel a little on the crazy side too. This is wrong and I need to do something about it. This is wrong. I HAVE TO CHANGE THIS!

EEFFFFFF!

Last night was the fights and I had chips and icecream and pizza. EFF! This morning I weighed 228. I know that it is likely that some of that is sodium and whatever. But realy what the hell am I doing? I worked out insanely hard yesterday. I did P90X Kempo Karate with my hubby and his friend. 1 hour I didn't give up (legs dying from P90X legs and back the day before) and today i am in serious pain all over. I am not going to stop. But I wish I hadn't shoved all that useless calories into my body.

And where the eff is my period. I mean I wish it would just hury up and get here so I could move on. I hate feeling like this. This whole week was like winter again. In every way. And the nice warm weather is supposed to start up again on Mon. That will be a relief. I need some nice weather to motivate me.

I just need to focus. This is going to be rough though. Auggie's bithday supper is at my mom's today and then here on Wednesday. Then Easter the following Sunday, then Chase's birthday that Thursday, then a party for both boys that Friday. Oh lord. Nervous to say the least. If I had stayed on plan till then I would be solid. But I am on that slippery slope. And I am slipping.

Anyway. I have to go get a good workout in before I have to make a monkey birthday cake.

Side Effects

Worst night. Worked untill midnight last night. Ate...ok all day and had subway mini for supper. Got home and Tyler had a case of beer. Fine you're getting beer, I'm getting McDonalds. Made perfect sense at 12:45am. Came back home, now after 1am. Ate my burger in bed then went to sleep. WORST IDEA EVER! I know this is the PMS fcuking with me. It happens every time. I cannot get my energy up, I crave crappy food. Even my breathing is more difficult. I did workout 2X yesterday. I did 1 hour walking outside then later did legs and back video from P90X. Walking is a might difficult today. But that in no way makes up for the crap i put in my body yesterday.

Because of all this PMS and sodium up the wazoo I am up to 227lbs this morning. Mind you it feels like I have a small country living in my belly I'm so bloated. Wanna know what else sucks? Cuz I'll tell ya. We had 2 weeks of amazingly spring like weather and yesterday right after my walk it started to snow. Now it looks like winter again and instead of 4-8 degrees celciuc it is like 15 below zero. COLD. I hate the COLD. I will walk in the rain or sun or heat but not freezing cold snow.

OK I know I sound like a whiney little baby right now and I kind of feel like one. It's one of those things where everything is comming together amazingly and the FLOP. Now I am not beaten. I have noticed that although on the first day I was terribly depressed and yesterday I was kind a weepy to. It's not as devistating as before. So there is something to my plan to stomp out this PMDD with diet and exercise. I caved in spots and haven't got it yet but I will. And today is a new day. I will not be outside walking around but I have a gum in my basement and I'll be doing some p90x today. I will get past this by the skin of my teeth this time but next time I will be ready for it.

Tonight is UFC 111 and GSP is fighting that new British guy. So we'll be watching that and I dread some snacks sneaking in the house. I'll have to be extra good all day to prepare just incase. Luck to me.

This is where I roam

I considered not going for my walk today. Although I am not so deeply depressed since that first day I do feel slugish. I am a morning person, I am a neat freak and I don't like to sit still. But for PMS, well sometimes things don't get don that otherwise I would go nuts about. And sinc I think I have worked out everyday for like 4 weeks I thought I would take a break today.....But no. I wont.

I am too scared tht my 1 day of rest will turn into 2 and 3. I can't let that happen. My one day of bad eating 2 days ago lingered over to yesterday. I had too much lunch (though healthy lunch) and felt way too full. Then had 2 cookies aftering a group parenting session last night. And 2 big glasses of milk. Dunno why I was craving milk...oh right the cookies. Today needs to be spot on. I wish my TOM would hury up and get here. These feelings usualy go away on the first day of.

Anyway, Iwent to this program last night. It was called the RAPID program. Can't remember what that stands for but basicaly it's a 4 week program designed to help you deal with your "problem child" and how to take care of yourself. At the end of the 4 weeks they give you a list of all services available in our community and you get to pick what you think would be benneficial to you or your child. They do the recommending and refering. I know 1 thing. After listening to the 4 other parents that were there last nigt. Chase is not a problem child. They encouraged me to get him tested for learing a disability through the school psychologist. I plan to talk to his teacher today about this.

On the other hand I feel like August might be the child I should be talking about in this group. It may be more beneficial to him. He is a bit of a problem child. though he is the sweetest and cutest boy, he is a tempermental thing.

Back to the topc of THE PLAN. I have been taking some pics with my phone as I walk. Spring has sprung and it gets kind of exciting for me. The little brooks, the trees, even the pavement looks springey!

Deep Darks

The other day was a deep dark day. A day that usualy leads to 7 days of deep dark days. Binging and crying... But it didin't. The next day I was fine. And today I am fine. Maybe that is what I am slowly getting from all of this. I had hoped that being healthier would help me in my depression (which I suspect might be PMDD) and maybe it has. Not a complete cure but only one day of it. That is record breaking for me. And I think had I known it was only going to be one day it might not have seemed so everwhelming.

I did go off plan that night. I had a super healthy veggie sub...with some chips and a glass of gingerale and a chocolate bar. But I will not let that get me down I was still onplan for like 2 whole weeks and that is record breaking for me to. So I will just move right along and keep on plan.

I have been feeling alot smaller lately. Like I can see what it is I am going to look like when this si all done. It seems possible and real. I like that.

Badass Tattoo

I finished my tattoo yesterday. It is amazing and I am so in love with it. But as anyone with even one tattoo knows it makes me want the next one. And yes I have 100's planned out. I wiil hopefuly take pics of it soon but right now it is kinda sore and grose.

On to the good stuff! I am down to 224lbs as of this morning! Down 4 lbs in 1 week. I was so worried I was feeling like I was doing all this work and and that it wouldn't pay off. I weighed everyday and everyday it said 228lbs. I know I super should not be weighing everyday. My rule is once a week but untill I get down to 222lbs I am a bit on edge about it. I was down to 223 this summer and I feel like once I get back there everything else is such a bonus.

This is my year! It is my year to get this weight gone. Not just get smaller but get stronger. I want strong lean muscles and abs. I dunno if I'll ever see those abs but I want to feel them lol. I want to learn to deal with this depression and not eat to feel better. I want to do so much better for myself.

Off to walk in the rain!

Day 11...or is it?

Today would be day 11 on plan. But last night I had, like 10 chips at work. I hadn't eaten enough before going to work and I was starving. The only thing in the whole building was junk and my coworker happened to have chips on the go. She offered and I said ok but only 1 to cut the tummy termoil. Well I had like 10. I think that counts as a slip. BUT, I was spot on the rest of the day and when I got off instead of the turkey sub i was going to have for my supper I had a veggie mini sub. I still feel guilty tho.

Moving on. I got my tattoo last Friday. 5 hours in Brian's chair and we couldn't finish it. He's great an would have kept going if I realy wanted him to but after about hour4 the adrenaline wore off and it was starting to hurt. Now I'm playing waiting game for it to heal enough that I can go back and get it finished. It's almost perfect except for a couple spots that sre extra sore for some reason. Pics to follow when it is done.


I am down to 228lbs as of 2 days ago. I am stocked about that because that brings me back to 50lbs lost. 5 more lbs and I will be where I was this summer. And then beyond. I can already tell a difference in the way my fat hangs on me. i know that sound apealing right lol. But you loose the fat attatched to the muscle first so things start to hang more when you are loosing. I think that's what I was told ne way. It seems to make sense tho. Last night when I was getting ready for work I had to go down a notch on my belt. I know it's only been like 6 lbs in 2 weeks but I think I was realy bloated from all the junkey salty food i was eating.

I have been feeling so good lately that I sometimes forget that I have the weight on me. Like I feel lke a thin person again. I always try to workout for the body I want not the one I have. But the other day i walked by the mirror and it was like "of ya...i'm still fat...crap!" It makes me kind of impatient.

August's and Chase's birthdays are next week. It's Auggie's then Easter then Chase's. Auggie wants a pogo stick (oh lord) and Chase wants a skateboard. This should be an interesting summer. A little worried about making or getting their cakes. I usualy make their cakes cuz I decorate cakes kind of as a hobby. But I am kind of intimidated by cake at the moment. Not sure how I will get throught that one but the time will come.

Off to run a thousand errands before work at 1.

Milestone!

As a kid I was tall and skinney. But I always ate junk food and sweets. For snack at school my mom would give me a $1 and I would stop at the corner store by my buss stop and get 100 penny candy. Most days after school I would walk to my Nanny's house and she always gave up money to get chips at the store. I ate ice cream all the time. It was my favorite.

As an adult I had my own money and was never taught how to eat healthy so I ate junk alot. Takeout was not a treat we got often as kids but as an adult it was quick and easy. When I lost weight (both times) I even allowed myself to eat crap from time to time. At least every other day. A bag of chips here, pizza there, McD's on the run. I ate well all day and thought I deserved these things as a reward.

Yesterday was my 7th full day on plan. 7 day of no junk food at all. Not at work, not at night, and not for Snday dinner at my mom's where pies and cakes run rampid! I feel AMAZING! AND,...I am out of the 230's. I was 223lbs in the fall but jumped back up to 239lbs over Christmas. I am back on my way down to where I was at my lowest and I do not plan to stop. I feel like I have the secret. Like I found the key. That part that was missing.

On a side note, I got my new tattoo on Friday. 5 hours in Brian's chair and it still isn't done. Hopefuly next Monday it will be healed enough to get it finished. I won't add a pic of it untill it is finished tho. Now to get out in this georgeous sun we've been having all week.♥

Almost 1 week, New Tatt

Today is day 6 on plan. No junk at all. I have been having alot of anxiety and panic as a result. Going through surgar/fat withdrawl I think. I feel less of it today although I just got up. But I am hoping this is something that will pass. I am amazed at myself. I have realy never gone this long with no junk at all. I work latr again tonight so it will be another test.

Yester day was a good test also. I spent 5 hours getting a new tattoo and was starving after5ward but i didn't rush out to get some burgers or pizza. I had a BLT sub with extra veggies from Subway. I didn't even ask for extra cheese or may as I usualy do. Then last night for a snack I had a yogert. Yay mI finaly got my 1/2 sleve. I was so nervous but I did it. na dI love it. We didn't get to finish but I will be back in the shop on Monday to get it done. I'm so happy with it.

Ne way I have to go make plans for my mom's 50th Bday!

Another one Bites The Dust

This will be day 4 of being totaly on plan with no night time binging and it is a beautiful day! I am down 4lbs! And it feels amazing! I KNOW that if I keep this up I will be at my goal by the end of the year. I have to keep that in my mind. This isn't something that might happen or may work. It is working and it will get me there if i trust in the process and keep at it.

Today I'll be doing some yoga. Haven't done that in months. I don't think I have done that since fall. I am looking forward to it. What I am not looking forward to is being back to work for the first time since being on plan. I work in very close proximity to lots of candy and it is torturous. I always find that it is an evening shift at work that throws me off my game. BUT I am going in prepared tonight. i am bringing healthy snacks and no money. So I can't get junk even if I want to. And I am going to try to get to bed as soon as I get home. I often have a hard time wnding down after work and tend to stay up late snacking. NOT TONIGHT! I feel confident and I am not going to let this happen, not today!

The last few days have been kind of emotional for me. I usualy eat my emotions away but I haven't even kind of done that and I feel like they are all up in ma face now. It's kind of overwhelming at times but I haven't let that get the better of me. I am a little surprised at myselfe. The emotional this is usualy the first thing to make me binge. I just need to find something to channel that emotion. Something to take my mind off of it or express it in a better way. I used to write about it when I felt it but I found it was like opening a flood gate and I could spend a whole day just writing about things that upset me that would lead to mire things I haven't thought of in a while and it was just more upsetting than good.

I need something artistic to do. Something creative always makes me feel better. It's been so long since I have drawn or anything that I think that could be very theraputic for me. Perhaps I'll look into that.

Anyway, off to workout and enbark on my day 4 of on plan life!

Binge free day 3

Last night was the third night in a row with no snacks and no over eating. 3 Days is usualy the most days I can run together without fail. But I won't ever stop trying. i have no intentions of letting this beat me.

The weather is starting to be nice enough to walk outsid and that helps alot. I tend to need the sun. I get in a funk in the winter. I think lack of vitamine D makes mne more depressed and more likely to munch. So I am trying to get outside as much as possible. Spring is so close and I love the spring and summer so much. Me and winter are not the greatest friends. I mean I looove fall and Christmas is great but after Dec 31. I just want it to be over. I should move somewhere warmer. Nova Scotia gets a pretty big dose of winter every year lol.

I have been kind of hateing on my body the last few days. I look at it and think even when i lose all the weight i will have so much loose skin. I already have lots. My belly...well it brings me to tears sometimes. I wish I had the money to get plastic surgery when I am done.

On the up side of life...i am planning a new tattoo for Friday. i want to add on to the one on my arm and make it a 1/4 sleve. So excited and nervous. I tend to have tremendous guilt when I try to do something for myself. Like I feel I do not deserve to spend money on myself. go figure. I'll post pics of the new art after it's done.

Back so soon,,

I know I just posted but I had to write some more.

There is no reason I can't do this! No reason. There are people who are addicted to drugs and in way worse situations than mine. Adn sometimes they come back from the brink of no return and change it all around. Why can't I? I can. i will. i have to. Today can be the day. Today can be the first day of the rest of my life. As cliche as that sounds it's the truth. I have to work on my, I have to get some help. but I can do this. No more effing excuses. No more shoulda coulda woulda! Here I go. I'm doing it. I will do this. I have to believe it I have to do it. I guess I just need to get this down and out of my mind before it explodes lol. Off for a walk.

And so the cycle cont...

Last night I made a cream cheese dip and had some chocolate covered caramel peanut clusters. That's like a million calories. And now I feel so stupid. I hate this. I am ruining everything as usual. I do all this work exercising and eating right all day long then at night I pig out!I'm like a chubby werewolf. When the moon comes out I eat up all the junkfood in sight.

I am starting to feel like this is a real addiction. I mean I had always thought of my binging as "like" an addiction. But I realy think this is a problem. I think I need some professional help. I mean I just don't know what to do about this. I try to safeguard myself with a plan and alternative options to junk at night but it only works about 30% of the time. I mean I know about addiction. I was a closet smoker for 10 years and i quit that. My hubby is an alcaholic and I've seen hime struggle with that for years. The anxiety and iritation, the mindeless wanting. Too often we say "I want something". And cannot figure out what that something is and nothing seems to satisfy.

I don't want to live like this any more. I have broken this cycle before but I can't remember what the key was. What did I do differently? What am I missing. Why can't I get this? This rollercoaster of success and failure is becomming so depressing. Logicaly I know I can do this but I am not doing it. I keep getting lost somehow.

Well. Today is yet another day and another attempt at success. So here it goes...

I'm a beast!

Just finished THE most amazing workout ever in the history of workouts. I was on my treadmill for 45 min and in those 45 min I trew in some big inlines and..I ran a couple times. I was awesomw. THEN I jumped off and lifted some weights.THEN I did a few lunges and some abs work. WHAT! It felt so incredible. And I find when I workout like a beast like that I get this awesome "runners rush" all goose bumps and endorphens. Love it!

I know it's only been a few days of eating better and working out seriously but I already feel less bloated. And a bit stronger. I have been trying to steer clear of the scale for now because I don't want to be disapointed if there isn't a change. I just want to enjoy the successes in how I feel first. I want to realy get into this before I start trying to be precise and expecting xyz each week. But I think I am well on my way.

Walking theWalk

So today will be three full days on plan for me. In a row! I want this so bad and as difficult as it is I won't ever stop trying. I will wake up every morning, regardless of thr outcome of the day before, and try again. I will get this. I have done it before and every other time it took a while to get into the groove of it. Last year It was well into March before I started to realy do it right and see some results. I'll get there this year to. I just have to believe that I'll get it done.

Last night I got the Dh some McD's and I got Subway. Yay for me! And it was good and I was satisfied. I have to get it on some other level, that food that is bad for me always makes me feel bad. Healthy food makes me feel good. I get it logicaly but it's like I don't get it emotionaly...doesn't make sense. So much of this doesn't make sense. Like why I am the way I am and when it started and why. I wasn't always this way. I don't want to stay this way. And I won't.

Epic Battle!

Yesterday was my first day back on plan with no night time munchies. I worked out hard. Went for a walk outside cuz it was beautiful. Today I am off to the same start. So hopefuly this is the beginning of something perminant.

When I go for my walk outside I have a specific route that I take. It's 2 laps around my neighborhood which is basically a huge hill. It is very steep, straight up one side and then a long winding downward side. The up part is very difficult and gets the blood pumping and the legs burning. I almost chickened out and wasn't going to do the second loop for fear of the hill. BUT in my head there was an EPIC BATTLE going on. The fat lazy me was trying to win but the strong healthy me kicked her ass and we did the second loop. I literaly visualized the healthy me hog tieing the fat one and throwing her in a closet. LOMA. Hey, whatever works right?

I feel like every decision I make is a fight. I constantly fight with myself. I think I just need a few more wins in the right direction and this will get easier.

Rollercoaster

So I start out so strong and then crash and burn like a derailed rollercoaster. Today is another start to what could potentialy be my weightloss journey. Or it could just be one good day in the line of crappy ones. Hoping for the former.

There has been so much drama and chaos here the last few weeks. The kids have been very sick. Which makes me panic because the already missed too much school this year and they all seem to be having some trouble. Then there is my once failing, now slightly successful mariage. Things are better and so much more so then they have been in a long time but the scars of the past make it difficult to appretiate. But I try.

I am a worrier and right now I feel like I am in constant panic mode. So it makes staying on plan painful. I try but always fail miserably. But today I am starting off good. So there is that I guess.

Off topic a moment. I was 17 when I had my daughter. Nnd then each child there after was 2 years apart. So I had them young and all at once it seemed. I was ill equipted at best and made so many mistakes. I realy had no idea what i was doing, with my children or my marriage. We made sooo many mistakes as young and stupid parents. Now 11 years later we are starting to get to a place where we get it and are ready for it but there is such a mess. Or family is disfunctional. The kids are still you that I don't think it is too late to fix this I just don't know what to do. I mean I always tryed my best with all of them with the skills and knowledge I had at the time. But now i feel I don't have the information and noone seems to know what I should do to help us.

We are starting counciling. Or at least I am and so is one of my children. But I want to know what i can do to fix this. How do I undo the damage? I feel so helpless. Maybe not such a great way to start the day.

Same S#it Different Day

So I realised this morning that I did this exact same thing last year. Jan rolled around and it was all "MAKIN SOME CHANGE ROUND HERE:" I had a goal for July. Then the next thing I knew it was Mid February and I hadn't budged my weight yet. Well It is creepin near Mid February and I am only down like 8 lbs. I don't want to get to July and change my goal to Christmas. I mean last year I did get to 50lbs lost but that wasn't my goal. And I had planned on losing 50 more lbs by July1st.

The Class of 2000 reunion is July 1st weekend and I had realy wanted to lose some serious weight before. I haven't seen some of these people in 10 years. MORE than 10 years because I didn't graduate with them. They were nice enough to invite me anyway. We were all pretty close, it was a small school and we grew up together with the whole "class of 2000" thing over our heads from grade primary. They decided to make a big shindig out of the whole weekend and invite everyone who went to school with us through the years. It should be fun. BUT...I don't want to spen my time thinking how fat I look. And how I am the fattest person there. Which I likely would be if I don't lose some serious weight.

My weight has kept me from alot of things. Most people wouldn't think that about me but it is the reason for me not wanting to do alot of things. I don't like to go out of the house. I pray that no one that I know sees me when I go shopping. I hate when anyone I know comes in to one of my jobs. I'm just so sick of it. I shouldn't care but I do. I just do.

It is one of the 2 reasons I don't sleep with my husband enough. The other one is because he needs to help out around the house more lol. But you get the point. The point is that it needs to change. All of it. I just feel so stuck. I feel overwhelmed by life. And I feel like I am taking on the responsabilities of an entier family alone. So ME and my weight become low priority.

More Me time. More important ME. Me, Me,Me, me...

The Storm has Lifted

I was so very sick the last 2 weeks. And to add to that I was working like 50hrs a week between my 2 jobs. It was like a perfact storm for failure for me. But the storm has lifted and I had an awesome day of sledding and hiking with the kids and my hubby's family. And today i kicked my own ass @ my workout. It felt amazing. Hopefuly I didn't overdo it too soon after being so sick.

I kept thinking today that I woas so unhappy that I hadn't finished this weightloss thing last year like I had intended. I mean 50lbs is nothing to stick your nose up at but... I don't want to think another year from now that I wish I had finished it a year ago. I don't want this weight to follow me for one more year. i want this summer to be my first one under 200lbs in 10 years.

I'm so sick of regrets. I applied to back to school to. I mean noone wants to work at a crappy min wage part time job their whole life. I'm 28 I should have a career now. Not a job. We'll i worked so hard i am nausious and tyling is not helping so off to the showers.♥

Boredom

Cleaning is all done, kids are in school, workout done. Boredom. It's times like these I realize how very lonely I am. I don't heave friends to speak of. Not realy. My life is consumed by work and kids. I mean I have people at work that I am friendly with while at work but we don't talk or associate outside of that.

Sometimes I forget how lonely I am because I am on the go and so very busy. But times like this are a little overwhelming. I don't tend to try to make friends either. I mean I feel uncomfoprtable so much about my weight that I don't even realy want to be seen in public some days. So I think "what would the point of having friends be"? I don't want to go anywhere or do anything because I'm so fat. Maybe I'll think differently when the weight is gone.

I'm a little scared today. Scared I'm not doing as well as I think I am. I don't think I can put this one into words. Doesn't make much sense to me either...

Down 8lbs in 7 Days!

I think today is day 6 or 7 totaly on plan and I am down 8lbs this morning! I am almost back at the 50lbs lost mark I was at before Christmas. I'm kinda proud. I know 8lbs will not be the loss every week but it's an amazing start.

Last time i was so focused on the working out part of the plan that i wasn't eating right. Better but not right. Everyone kept telling me it's 20% exercise and 80% food. I was a little stuborn about it but they were right. I am still getting in my workouts which I love but the food plan is making it soooooo much easier. Before i kind of felt like I was always half assing it. This time I feel confident. Most of the time lol.

I am wishing it was spring or summer time now. I always find it easier to workout in the warm weather cuz I'm an outside kind of gal. I prefer not to be stuffed up in my gym/basement. Side note, I realy have to dust the cobwebs in the windows down there. I love to walk outsied and feel the breeze and smell the fresh air. I'm a little clostriphobic and the basement is so gloomey. I have to find some way to make it less dungeon like. I have managed to get outside a couple of days sledding and skating but unless it's +1 degree celcius or higher it's too cold. And usualy it's -5 or colder. Not good for outside anything.

So off to get that much needed exercise in the gloomy basement. Gott get some flowers or pictures down there or something lol.

Crank!

I ran out of my workout drink of choice today and had to get some more. So off to GNC I go and they can't get it in, their shipment is stuck at the border. GREAT! So I had to get something else that is kinda the same but it doesn't always agree with my tummy. BOO.

So this is day 5 OP and so far so good. I am a bit on the cranky side so instead of eating to make myself feel better I got a few nose rings and some hats for the kids. Got 10 for $10 can't have too many hats in this weather. Then I got thinkin about tattoos. As I often do. And I want another one. Or rather I want to elaborate on the one on my arm. Add a coi fish to it. Course tattoo costs lots and I didn't have lots. Also I am not sure I want to do any more "decorating" untill the "house is renovated". Know what I mean. I don't know what my arm will look like 100lbs lighter and I wouldn't want to ruin my art. But maybe next year.

WinterFun.

I always had this slight pang of guilt in the back of mind when I was working out like I should be doing something else, like spending time with my kids. So I have found a few ways to do both. yesterday was skating and today we went sledding. Sooo much fun and my legs are burning. I still try to get my workouts in but if I fall short some days i plan some kind of outside activity for us. It's good for all of us.

The past 2 days Chase has had great progress at school. I have been making such an effort to realy boost his confidence in himself with lots of "atta boy"s. And some extra reading. I have kind of tossed the books suggested for homework reading and let him pick some that he loved to hear. It seems to have helped.

I had a terrible slip last night and had some fast food. It was only 200cal outside of my plan but not worth it. Today was so much better. I feel like I will do this. Not like I'm trying to do it but I am doing it. I love that.

I have decided to get some upgrading and maybe go back to college. I need a more stable job. A better paycheck! I'm just not sure what to do...what to be when I grow up lol. Well, off to Google some ideas.

So Ill Prepared

If Chase (my 7yo son) was misbehaving at school I might know how to react. If he was just finding the work difficult I could get him extra help. But he can do the work and is as sweet as the day is long. But he is still having trouble. I went to the school today to talk to his teacher and one of the student councilors. He isn't doing the work. He can't be convinced that he can do it. He has some low self esteem and perhaps some depression. His teacher has conveyed to me that he speaks very highly about me. But admits that his dad is lazy and has little to say about him at all.

I think his lethargy and show of laziness has a lot to do with the break down of my marriage and his father's way of dealing with his anxiety disorder. He is often unengaged and unhelpful with all aspects of life. There is nothing you can give him or take from him to make him change. He is in denial about his own problems and not much help with Chase's.

I am not equipped to fix this. No one can seem to get through to my boy. There is a team of people working with him at school. One of them is ready to drop him because he wont accept the help. Everyone seems to be scratching their heads. His Dr has referred him to Mental Heath but the wait is so long. I'm am terrified that he will never be able to get turned around and live up to his great potential. His aptitude test was second highest in his grade. So why is he doing so poorly?

What am I going to do to save my little boy? He is the sweetest child. He is sensitive and curious and loving. His quiet and layed back. And just shines when he's happy. But his is often sad and anxious. He likes to be alone and doesn't fight for attention. He deserves to be happy and healthy. How do I fix this?

A Little Pride...

As a rule we go to my mother's every Sunday for supper. When I talked to her on the phone earlier in the day I asked for a healthy meal. She and my sister mad some healthy type lasagna and a big salad. So that was great. I had a small square of lasagna and a bunch of salad light on the dressing. And as I'm feeling good about my meal, and the fact that I am satisfied and not stuffed, my mom pops 2 (count em 2) caramel apple pies in the oven. This makes me nervious. I ♥ me some pie.

When the pie is ready I jokingly say "pie's ready time to go home" and my mom is a little hurt that I wont stay and have some pie. She knows why and is supposidly trying to loose weight herself. But I stand my ground and my dad sticks up for me and tells them to leave me alone. He knows I'd cave to my mom's feelings. It's what I do.

A little back story. My mother has PKD (Polycystic kidney disease) and liver disease. It is hereditary. She is the youngest of 11 kids and 5 of them have it. She has been overweight for as long as I can remember. All her family is overweight. And of course you are supposed to take good care of yourself when you have this disease. I am going to be tested for PKD on Feb 1st. I am the middle of 3. I have many of the symptoms and it is 25-50% likely to be passed on to the child of a carrier of the gene depending on if one or both parents are a carrier. I could also pass it on to my children. (This part scares the bejesus out of me) Point being that i don't want to be 50 and overweight and dealing with this disease like my mom is. I want to live a long (as possible) and healthy life.

So....I am proud of myself for refusing my mom's pie and for sticking to plan. I made it just under 1500 cal yesterday and today. It feels good to build up this confidence in myself. I feel like I don't have to be unhealthy. Like it is a choice. And I am making that choice.

Today was a rough day for me. My youngest son is prone to temper tantrums and my oldest is haveing trouble in shcool (his IQ is highest in the class but doesn't want to do the work). And the two of them did a number on me after school. I still managed NOT to turn to food for comfort. As I so often do.

I'm worried that my youngest son (5) will be overweight. He is a good eater but a little too much. He has just started to get a little on the chubby side since September. He seems to eat nonstop. And is always hungry. I think he is due for a growth spurt but i still worry. I wouldn't want him to have to deal with being overweight. So I'm watching and waiting and trying to throw as mych fruit and veg into his neverending parade of snacks as possible.

So 2 successful days in a row "Plan"wise and I am exhausted. So off to bath some kids and fight over homework.
Cheers
Traceyelaine

Three Days Grace

No, not the band. I am into this whole life changing thing by 3 days and it's not going according to plan. At least the eating right part isn't. I manage to eat perfectly all day and then night time loome and so does the cravings. The mindless sleepy cravings. Chips and ice cream sneaking into my belly. It's discouraging to say the least but today is yet another new day and filled with just as much determination and enthusiasim as the last 3. At least i think so.

It's still early and my mind isn't cooperating. All the things I want to say are getting lost somewhere between my brain and fingers. A walk is in order. Get the body moving and the mind will follow. We'll see.