Questions

I question everything. My parenting skills, my worth as person, my relationship with my husband, by ability to loose or not loose weight. This happens to be a pretty terrible morning. I am so stuck in such a bad spot. I just feel like my whole life is so unhealthy. I mean I try to lead a normal life. But I am so ashamed of my life that I avoid everything. People make me uncomfortable. I talk to no one because, well what would I say. What conversation would I have with my friend, if I had one? "Oh well, my husband is mean. Or at least that is the way I feel it but he thinks he's awesome. And my kids are having problems in school and they never listen to me. But that is because I'm a useless parent. What kind of parent can't get their kid to eat breakfast? Me that's who. Oh ya and as much as I want to not be fat I also have no will power and can't."

What am I doing in this life. Why am I still going round in this sick life. That's what it is sick. Unhealthy. But I don't know...I don't know what to do. I feel helpless. I feel like every time I try to make things better, I get slapped out of it. Thisngs are so bad I can't even type them. Becayse it is embarrasing. I would be told I am stupid for typing anything in the first place. I should just get over it and shut up and and stop being such a baby. I should never talk to anyone about anything.

Starting to sound a little on the crazy side of things now. I feel a little on the crazy side too. This is wrong and I need to do something about it. This is wrong. I HAVE TO CHANGE THIS!

EEFFFFFF!

Last night was the fights and I had chips and icecream and pizza. EFF! This morning I weighed 228. I know that it is likely that some of that is sodium and whatever. But realy what the hell am I doing? I worked out insanely hard yesterday. I did P90X Kempo Karate with my hubby and his friend. 1 hour I didn't give up (legs dying from P90X legs and back the day before) and today i am in serious pain all over. I am not going to stop. But I wish I hadn't shoved all that useless calories into my body.

And where the eff is my period. I mean I wish it would just hury up and get here so I could move on. I hate feeling like this. This whole week was like winter again. In every way. And the nice warm weather is supposed to start up again on Mon. That will be a relief. I need some nice weather to motivate me.

I just need to focus. This is going to be rough though. Auggie's bithday supper is at my mom's today and then here on Wednesday. Then Easter the following Sunday, then Chase's birthday that Thursday, then a party for both boys that Friday. Oh lord. Nervous to say the least. If I had stayed on plan till then I would be solid. But I am on that slippery slope. And I am slipping.

Anyway. I have to go get a good workout in before I have to make a monkey birthday cake.

Side Effects

Worst night. Worked untill midnight last night. Ate...ok all day and had subway mini for supper. Got home and Tyler had a case of beer. Fine you're getting beer, I'm getting McDonalds. Made perfect sense at 12:45am. Came back home, now after 1am. Ate my burger in bed then went to sleep. WORST IDEA EVER! I know this is the PMS fcuking with me. It happens every time. I cannot get my energy up, I crave crappy food. Even my breathing is more difficult. I did workout 2X yesterday. I did 1 hour walking outside then later did legs and back video from P90X. Walking is a might difficult today. But that in no way makes up for the crap i put in my body yesterday.

Because of all this PMS and sodium up the wazoo I am up to 227lbs this morning. Mind you it feels like I have a small country living in my belly I'm so bloated. Wanna know what else sucks? Cuz I'll tell ya. We had 2 weeks of amazingly spring like weather and yesterday right after my walk it started to snow. Now it looks like winter again and instead of 4-8 degrees celciuc it is like 15 below zero. COLD. I hate the COLD. I will walk in the rain or sun or heat but not freezing cold snow.

OK I know I sound like a whiney little baby right now and I kind of feel like one. It's one of those things where everything is comming together amazingly and the FLOP. Now I am not beaten. I have noticed that although on the first day I was terribly depressed and yesterday I was kind a weepy to. It's not as devistating as before. So there is something to my plan to stomp out this PMDD with diet and exercise. I caved in spots and haven't got it yet but I will. And today is a new day. I will not be outside walking around but I have a gum in my basement and I'll be doing some p90x today. I will get past this by the skin of my teeth this time but next time I will be ready for it.

Tonight is UFC 111 and GSP is fighting that new British guy. So we'll be watching that and I dread some snacks sneaking in the house. I'll have to be extra good all day to prepare just incase. Luck to me.

This is where I roam

I considered not going for my walk today. Although I am not so deeply depressed since that first day I do feel slugish. I am a morning person, I am a neat freak and I don't like to sit still. But for PMS, well sometimes things don't get don that otherwise I would go nuts about. And sinc I think I have worked out everyday for like 4 weeks I thought I would take a break today.....But no. I wont.

I am too scared tht my 1 day of rest will turn into 2 and 3. I can't let that happen. My one day of bad eating 2 days ago lingered over to yesterday. I had too much lunch (though healthy lunch) and felt way too full. Then had 2 cookies aftering a group parenting session last night. And 2 big glasses of milk. Dunno why I was craving milk...oh right the cookies. Today needs to be spot on. I wish my TOM would hury up and get here. These feelings usualy go away on the first day of.

Anyway, Iwent to this program last night. It was called the RAPID program. Can't remember what that stands for but basicaly it's a 4 week program designed to help you deal with your "problem child" and how to take care of yourself. At the end of the 4 weeks they give you a list of all services available in our community and you get to pick what you think would be benneficial to you or your child. They do the recommending and refering. I know 1 thing. After listening to the 4 other parents that were there last nigt. Chase is not a problem child. They encouraged me to get him tested for learing a disability through the school psychologist. I plan to talk to his teacher today about this.

On the other hand I feel like August might be the child I should be talking about in this group. It may be more beneficial to him. He is a bit of a problem child. though he is the sweetest and cutest boy, he is a tempermental thing.

Back to the topc of THE PLAN. I have been taking some pics with my phone as I walk. Spring has sprung and it gets kind of exciting for me. The little brooks, the trees, even the pavement looks springey!

Deep Darks

The other day was a deep dark day. A day that usualy leads to 7 days of deep dark days. Binging and crying... But it didin't. The next day I was fine. And today I am fine. Maybe that is what I am slowly getting from all of this. I had hoped that being healthier would help me in my depression (which I suspect might be PMDD) and maybe it has. Not a complete cure but only one day of it. That is record breaking for me. And I think had I known it was only going to be one day it might not have seemed so everwhelming.

I did go off plan that night. I had a super healthy veggie sub...with some chips and a glass of gingerale and a chocolate bar. But I will not let that get me down I was still onplan for like 2 whole weeks and that is record breaking for me to. So I will just move right along and keep on plan.

I have been feeling alot smaller lately. Like I can see what it is I am going to look like when this si all done. It seems possible and real. I like that.

Badass Tattoo

I finished my tattoo yesterday. It is amazing and I am so in love with it. But as anyone with even one tattoo knows it makes me want the next one. And yes I have 100's planned out. I wiil hopefuly take pics of it soon but right now it is kinda sore and grose.

On to the good stuff! I am down to 224lbs as of this morning! Down 4 lbs in 1 week. I was so worried I was feeling like I was doing all this work and and that it wouldn't pay off. I weighed everyday and everyday it said 228lbs. I know I super should not be weighing everyday. My rule is once a week but untill I get down to 222lbs I am a bit on edge about it. I was down to 223 this summer and I feel like once I get back there everything else is such a bonus.

This is my year! It is my year to get this weight gone. Not just get smaller but get stronger. I want strong lean muscles and abs. I dunno if I'll ever see those abs but I want to feel them lol. I want to learn to deal with this depression and not eat to feel better. I want to do so much better for myself.

Off to walk in the rain!

Day 11...or is it?

Today would be day 11 on plan. But last night I had, like 10 chips at work. I hadn't eaten enough before going to work and I was starving. The only thing in the whole building was junk and my coworker happened to have chips on the go. She offered and I said ok but only 1 to cut the tummy termoil. Well I had like 10. I think that counts as a slip. BUT, I was spot on the rest of the day and when I got off instead of the turkey sub i was going to have for my supper I had a veggie mini sub. I still feel guilty tho.

Moving on. I got my tattoo last Friday. 5 hours in Brian's chair and we couldn't finish it. He's great an would have kept going if I realy wanted him to but after about hour4 the adrenaline wore off and it was starting to hurt. Now I'm playing waiting game for it to heal enough that I can go back and get it finished. It's almost perfect except for a couple spots that sre extra sore for some reason. Pics to follow when it is done.


I am down to 228lbs as of 2 days ago. I am stocked about that because that brings me back to 50lbs lost. 5 more lbs and I will be where I was this summer. And then beyond. I can already tell a difference in the way my fat hangs on me. i know that sound apealing right lol. But you loose the fat attatched to the muscle first so things start to hang more when you are loosing. I think that's what I was told ne way. It seems to make sense tho. Last night when I was getting ready for work I had to go down a notch on my belt. I know it's only been like 6 lbs in 2 weeks but I think I was realy bloated from all the junkey salty food i was eating.

I have been feeling so good lately that I sometimes forget that I have the weight on me. Like I feel lke a thin person again. I always try to workout for the body I want not the one I have. But the other day i walked by the mirror and it was like "of ya...i'm still fat...crap!" It makes me kind of impatient.

August's and Chase's birthdays are next week. It's Auggie's then Easter then Chase's. Auggie wants a pogo stick (oh lord) and Chase wants a skateboard. This should be an interesting summer. A little worried about making or getting their cakes. I usualy make their cakes cuz I decorate cakes kind of as a hobby. But I am kind of intimidated by cake at the moment. Not sure how I will get throught that one but the time will come.

Off to run a thousand errands before work at 1.

Milestone!

As a kid I was tall and skinney. But I always ate junk food and sweets. For snack at school my mom would give me a $1 and I would stop at the corner store by my buss stop and get 100 penny candy. Most days after school I would walk to my Nanny's house and she always gave up money to get chips at the store. I ate ice cream all the time. It was my favorite.

As an adult I had my own money and was never taught how to eat healthy so I ate junk alot. Takeout was not a treat we got often as kids but as an adult it was quick and easy. When I lost weight (both times) I even allowed myself to eat crap from time to time. At least every other day. A bag of chips here, pizza there, McD's on the run. I ate well all day and thought I deserved these things as a reward.

Yesterday was my 7th full day on plan. 7 day of no junk food at all. Not at work, not at night, and not for Snday dinner at my mom's where pies and cakes run rampid! I feel AMAZING! AND,...I am out of the 230's. I was 223lbs in the fall but jumped back up to 239lbs over Christmas. I am back on my way down to where I was at my lowest and I do not plan to stop. I feel like I have the secret. Like I found the key. That part that was missing.

On a side note, I got my new tattoo on Friday. 5 hours in Brian's chair and it still isn't done. Hopefuly next Monday it will be healed enough to get it finished. I won't add a pic of it untill it is finished tho. Now to get out in this georgeous sun we've been having all week.♥

Almost 1 week, New Tatt

Today is day 6 on plan. No junk at all. I have been having alot of anxiety and panic as a result. Going through surgar/fat withdrawl I think. I feel less of it today although I just got up. But I am hoping this is something that will pass. I am amazed at myself. I have realy never gone this long with no junk at all. I work latr again tonight so it will be another test.

Yester day was a good test also. I spent 5 hours getting a new tattoo and was starving after5ward but i didn't rush out to get some burgers or pizza. I had a BLT sub with extra veggies from Subway. I didn't even ask for extra cheese or may as I usualy do. Then last night for a snack I had a yogert. Yay mI finaly got my 1/2 sleve. I was so nervous but I did it. na dI love it. We didn't get to finish but I will be back in the shop on Monday to get it done. I'm so happy with it.

Ne way I have to go make plans for my mom's 50th Bday!

Another one Bites The Dust

This will be day 4 of being totaly on plan with no night time binging and it is a beautiful day! I am down 4lbs! And it feels amazing! I KNOW that if I keep this up I will be at my goal by the end of the year. I have to keep that in my mind. This isn't something that might happen or may work. It is working and it will get me there if i trust in the process and keep at it.

Today I'll be doing some yoga. Haven't done that in months. I don't think I have done that since fall. I am looking forward to it. What I am not looking forward to is being back to work for the first time since being on plan. I work in very close proximity to lots of candy and it is torturous. I always find that it is an evening shift at work that throws me off my game. BUT I am going in prepared tonight. i am bringing healthy snacks and no money. So I can't get junk even if I want to. And I am going to try to get to bed as soon as I get home. I often have a hard time wnding down after work and tend to stay up late snacking. NOT TONIGHT! I feel confident and I am not going to let this happen, not today!

The last few days have been kind of emotional for me. I usualy eat my emotions away but I haven't even kind of done that and I feel like they are all up in ma face now. It's kind of overwhelming at times but I haven't let that get the better of me. I am a little surprised at myselfe. The emotional this is usualy the first thing to make me binge. I just need to find something to channel that emotion. Something to take my mind off of it or express it in a better way. I used to write about it when I felt it but I found it was like opening a flood gate and I could spend a whole day just writing about things that upset me that would lead to mire things I haven't thought of in a while and it was just more upsetting than good.

I need something artistic to do. Something creative always makes me feel better. It's been so long since I have drawn or anything that I think that could be very theraputic for me. Perhaps I'll look into that.

Anyway, off to workout and enbark on my day 4 of on plan life!

Binge free day 3

Last night was the third night in a row with no snacks and no over eating. 3 Days is usualy the most days I can run together without fail. But I won't ever stop trying. i have no intentions of letting this beat me.

The weather is starting to be nice enough to walk outsid and that helps alot. I tend to need the sun. I get in a funk in the winter. I think lack of vitamine D makes mne more depressed and more likely to munch. So I am trying to get outside as much as possible. Spring is so close and I love the spring and summer so much. Me and winter are not the greatest friends. I mean I looove fall and Christmas is great but after Dec 31. I just want it to be over. I should move somewhere warmer. Nova Scotia gets a pretty big dose of winter every year lol.

I have been kind of hateing on my body the last few days. I look at it and think even when i lose all the weight i will have so much loose skin. I already have lots. My belly...well it brings me to tears sometimes. I wish I had the money to get plastic surgery when I am done.

On the up side of life...i am planning a new tattoo for Friday. i want to add on to the one on my arm and make it a 1/4 sleve. So excited and nervous. I tend to have tremendous guilt when I try to do something for myself. Like I feel I do not deserve to spend money on myself. go figure. I'll post pics of the new art after it's done.

Back so soon,,

I know I just posted but I had to write some more.

There is no reason I can't do this! No reason. There are people who are addicted to drugs and in way worse situations than mine. Adn sometimes they come back from the brink of no return and change it all around. Why can't I? I can. i will. i have to. Today can be the day. Today can be the first day of the rest of my life. As cliche as that sounds it's the truth. I have to work on my, I have to get some help. but I can do this. No more effing excuses. No more shoulda coulda woulda! Here I go. I'm doing it. I will do this. I have to believe it I have to do it. I guess I just need to get this down and out of my mind before it explodes lol. Off for a walk.

And so the cycle cont...

Last night I made a cream cheese dip and had some chocolate covered caramel peanut clusters. That's like a million calories. And now I feel so stupid. I hate this. I am ruining everything as usual. I do all this work exercising and eating right all day long then at night I pig out!I'm like a chubby werewolf. When the moon comes out I eat up all the junkfood in sight.

I am starting to feel like this is a real addiction. I mean I had always thought of my binging as "like" an addiction. But I realy think this is a problem. I think I need some professional help. I mean I just don't know what to do about this. I try to safeguard myself with a plan and alternative options to junk at night but it only works about 30% of the time. I mean I know about addiction. I was a closet smoker for 10 years and i quit that. My hubby is an alcaholic and I've seen hime struggle with that for years. The anxiety and iritation, the mindeless wanting. Too often we say "I want something". And cannot figure out what that something is and nothing seems to satisfy.

I don't want to live like this any more. I have broken this cycle before but I can't remember what the key was. What did I do differently? What am I missing. Why can't I get this? This rollercoaster of success and failure is becomming so depressing. Logicaly I know I can do this but I am not doing it. I keep getting lost somehow.

Well. Today is yet another day and another attempt at success. So here it goes...

I'm a beast!

Just finished THE most amazing workout ever in the history of workouts. I was on my treadmill for 45 min and in those 45 min I trew in some big inlines and..I ran a couple times. I was awesomw. THEN I jumped off and lifted some weights.THEN I did a few lunges and some abs work. WHAT! It felt so incredible. And I find when I workout like a beast like that I get this awesome "runners rush" all goose bumps and endorphens. Love it!

I know it's only been a few days of eating better and working out seriously but I already feel less bloated. And a bit stronger. I have been trying to steer clear of the scale for now because I don't want to be disapointed if there isn't a change. I just want to enjoy the successes in how I feel first. I want to realy get into this before I start trying to be precise and expecting xyz each week. But I think I am well on my way.

Walking theWalk

So today will be three full days on plan for me. In a row! I want this so bad and as difficult as it is I won't ever stop trying. I will wake up every morning, regardless of thr outcome of the day before, and try again. I will get this. I have done it before and every other time it took a while to get into the groove of it. Last year It was well into March before I started to realy do it right and see some results. I'll get there this year to. I just have to believe that I'll get it done.

Last night I got the Dh some McD's and I got Subway. Yay for me! And it was good and I was satisfied. I have to get it on some other level, that food that is bad for me always makes me feel bad. Healthy food makes me feel good. I get it logicaly but it's like I don't get it emotionaly...doesn't make sense. So much of this doesn't make sense. Like why I am the way I am and when it started and why. I wasn't always this way. I don't want to stay this way. And I won't.