Epic Battle!

Yesterday was my first day back on plan with no night time munchies. I worked out hard. Went for a walk outside cuz it was beautiful. Today I am off to the same start. So hopefuly this is the beginning of something perminant.

When I go for my walk outside I have a specific route that I take. It's 2 laps around my neighborhood which is basically a huge hill. It is very steep, straight up one side and then a long winding downward side. The up part is very difficult and gets the blood pumping and the legs burning. I almost chickened out and wasn't going to do the second loop for fear of the hill. BUT in my head there was an EPIC BATTLE going on. The fat lazy me was trying to win but the strong healthy me kicked her ass and we did the second loop. I literaly visualized the healthy me hog tieing the fat one and throwing her in a closet. LOMA. Hey, whatever works right?

I feel like every decision I make is a fight. I constantly fight with myself. I think I just need a few more wins in the right direction and this will get easier.

Rollercoaster

So I start out so strong and then crash and burn like a derailed rollercoaster. Today is another start to what could potentialy be my weightloss journey. Or it could just be one good day in the line of crappy ones. Hoping for the former.

There has been so much drama and chaos here the last few weeks. The kids have been very sick. Which makes me panic because the already missed too much school this year and they all seem to be having some trouble. Then there is my once failing, now slightly successful mariage. Things are better and so much more so then they have been in a long time but the scars of the past make it difficult to appretiate. But I try.

I am a worrier and right now I feel like I am in constant panic mode. So it makes staying on plan painful. I try but always fail miserably. But today I am starting off good. So there is that I guess.

Off topic a moment. I was 17 when I had my daughter. Nnd then each child there after was 2 years apart. So I had them young and all at once it seemed. I was ill equipted at best and made so many mistakes. I realy had no idea what i was doing, with my children or my marriage. We made sooo many mistakes as young and stupid parents. Now 11 years later we are starting to get to a place where we get it and are ready for it but there is such a mess. Or family is disfunctional. The kids are still you that I don't think it is too late to fix this I just don't know what to do. I mean I always tryed my best with all of them with the skills and knowledge I had at the time. But now i feel I don't have the information and noone seems to know what I should do to help us.

We are starting counciling. Or at least I am and so is one of my children. But I want to know what i can do to fix this. How do I undo the damage? I feel so helpless. Maybe not such a great way to start the day.

Same S#it Different Day

So I realised this morning that I did this exact same thing last year. Jan rolled around and it was all "MAKIN SOME CHANGE ROUND HERE:" I had a goal for July. Then the next thing I knew it was Mid February and I hadn't budged my weight yet. Well It is creepin near Mid February and I am only down like 8 lbs. I don't want to get to July and change my goal to Christmas. I mean last year I did get to 50lbs lost but that wasn't my goal. And I had planned on losing 50 more lbs by July1st.

The Class of 2000 reunion is July 1st weekend and I had realy wanted to lose some serious weight before. I haven't seen some of these people in 10 years. MORE than 10 years because I didn't graduate with them. They were nice enough to invite me anyway. We were all pretty close, it was a small school and we grew up together with the whole "class of 2000" thing over our heads from grade primary. They decided to make a big shindig out of the whole weekend and invite everyone who went to school with us through the years. It should be fun. BUT...I don't want to spen my time thinking how fat I look. And how I am the fattest person there. Which I likely would be if I don't lose some serious weight.

My weight has kept me from alot of things. Most people wouldn't think that about me but it is the reason for me not wanting to do alot of things. I don't like to go out of the house. I pray that no one that I know sees me when I go shopping. I hate when anyone I know comes in to one of my jobs. I'm just so sick of it. I shouldn't care but I do. I just do.

It is one of the 2 reasons I don't sleep with my husband enough. The other one is because he needs to help out around the house more lol. But you get the point. The point is that it needs to change. All of it. I just feel so stuck. I feel overwhelmed by life. And I feel like I am taking on the responsabilities of an entier family alone. So ME and my weight become low priority.

More Me time. More important ME. Me, Me,Me, me...

The Storm has Lifted

I was so very sick the last 2 weeks. And to add to that I was working like 50hrs a week between my 2 jobs. It was like a perfact storm for failure for me. But the storm has lifted and I had an awesome day of sledding and hiking with the kids and my hubby's family. And today i kicked my own ass @ my workout. It felt amazing. Hopefuly I didn't overdo it too soon after being so sick.

I kept thinking today that I woas so unhappy that I hadn't finished this weightloss thing last year like I had intended. I mean 50lbs is nothing to stick your nose up at but... I don't want to think another year from now that I wish I had finished it a year ago. I don't want this weight to follow me for one more year. i want this summer to be my first one under 200lbs in 10 years.

I'm so sick of regrets. I applied to back to school to. I mean noone wants to work at a crappy min wage part time job their whole life. I'm 28 I should have a career now. Not a job. We'll i worked so hard i am nausious and tyling is not helping so off to the showers.♥