Boredom

Cleaning is all done, kids are in school, workout done. Boredom. It's times like these I realize how very lonely I am. I don't heave friends to speak of. Not realy. My life is consumed by work and kids. I mean I have people at work that I am friendly with while at work but we don't talk or associate outside of that.

Sometimes I forget how lonely I am because I am on the go and so very busy. But times like this are a little overwhelming. I don't tend to try to make friends either. I mean I feel uncomfoprtable so much about my weight that I don't even realy want to be seen in public some days. So I think "what would the point of having friends be"? I don't want to go anywhere or do anything because I'm so fat. Maybe I'll think differently when the weight is gone.

I'm a little scared today. Scared I'm not doing as well as I think I am. I don't think I can put this one into words. Doesn't make much sense to me either...

Down 8lbs in 7 Days!

I think today is day 6 or 7 totaly on plan and I am down 8lbs this morning! I am almost back at the 50lbs lost mark I was at before Christmas. I'm kinda proud. I know 8lbs will not be the loss every week but it's an amazing start.

Last time i was so focused on the working out part of the plan that i wasn't eating right. Better but not right. Everyone kept telling me it's 20% exercise and 80% food. I was a little stuborn about it but they were right. I am still getting in my workouts which I love but the food plan is making it soooooo much easier. Before i kind of felt like I was always half assing it. This time I feel confident. Most of the time lol.

I am wishing it was spring or summer time now. I always find it easier to workout in the warm weather cuz I'm an outside kind of gal. I prefer not to be stuffed up in my gym/basement. Side note, I realy have to dust the cobwebs in the windows down there. I love to walk outsied and feel the breeze and smell the fresh air. I'm a little clostriphobic and the basement is so gloomey. I have to find some way to make it less dungeon like. I have managed to get outside a couple of days sledding and skating but unless it's +1 degree celcius or higher it's too cold. And usualy it's -5 or colder. Not good for outside anything.

So off to get that much needed exercise in the gloomy basement. Gott get some flowers or pictures down there or something lol.

Crank!

I ran out of my workout drink of choice today and had to get some more. So off to GNC I go and they can't get it in, their shipment is stuck at the border. GREAT! So I had to get something else that is kinda the same but it doesn't always agree with my tummy. BOO.

So this is day 5 OP and so far so good. I am a bit on the cranky side so instead of eating to make myself feel better I got a few nose rings and some hats for the kids. Got 10 for $10 can't have too many hats in this weather. Then I got thinkin about tattoos. As I often do. And I want another one. Or rather I want to elaborate on the one on my arm. Add a coi fish to it. Course tattoo costs lots and I didn't have lots. Also I am not sure I want to do any more "decorating" untill the "house is renovated". Know what I mean. I don't know what my arm will look like 100lbs lighter and I wouldn't want to ruin my art. But maybe next year.

WinterFun.

I always had this slight pang of guilt in the back of mind when I was working out like I should be doing something else, like spending time with my kids. So I have found a few ways to do both. yesterday was skating and today we went sledding. Sooo much fun and my legs are burning. I still try to get my workouts in but if I fall short some days i plan some kind of outside activity for us. It's good for all of us.

The past 2 days Chase has had great progress at school. I have been making such an effort to realy boost his confidence in himself with lots of "atta boy"s. And some extra reading. I have kind of tossed the books suggested for homework reading and let him pick some that he loved to hear. It seems to have helped.

I had a terrible slip last night and had some fast food. It was only 200cal outside of my plan but not worth it. Today was so much better. I feel like I will do this. Not like I'm trying to do it but I am doing it. I love that.

I have decided to get some upgrading and maybe go back to college. I need a more stable job. A better paycheck! I'm just not sure what to do...what to be when I grow up lol. Well, off to Google some ideas.

So Ill Prepared

If Chase (my 7yo son) was misbehaving at school I might know how to react. If he was just finding the work difficult I could get him extra help. But he can do the work and is as sweet as the day is long. But he is still having trouble. I went to the school today to talk to his teacher and one of the student councilors. He isn't doing the work. He can't be convinced that he can do it. He has some low self esteem and perhaps some depression. His teacher has conveyed to me that he speaks very highly about me. But admits that his dad is lazy and has little to say about him at all.

I think his lethargy and show of laziness has a lot to do with the break down of my marriage and his father's way of dealing with his anxiety disorder. He is often unengaged and unhelpful with all aspects of life. There is nothing you can give him or take from him to make him change. He is in denial about his own problems and not much help with Chase's.

I am not equipped to fix this. No one can seem to get through to my boy. There is a team of people working with him at school. One of them is ready to drop him because he wont accept the help. Everyone seems to be scratching their heads. His Dr has referred him to Mental Heath but the wait is so long. I'm am terrified that he will never be able to get turned around and live up to his great potential. His aptitude test was second highest in his grade. So why is he doing so poorly?

What am I going to do to save my little boy? He is the sweetest child. He is sensitive and curious and loving. His quiet and layed back. And just shines when he's happy. But his is often sad and anxious. He likes to be alone and doesn't fight for attention. He deserves to be happy and healthy. How do I fix this?

A Little Pride...

As a rule we go to my mother's every Sunday for supper. When I talked to her on the phone earlier in the day I asked for a healthy meal. She and my sister mad some healthy type lasagna and a big salad. So that was great. I had a small square of lasagna and a bunch of salad light on the dressing. And as I'm feeling good about my meal, and the fact that I am satisfied and not stuffed, my mom pops 2 (count em 2) caramel apple pies in the oven. This makes me nervious. I ♥ me some pie.

When the pie is ready I jokingly say "pie's ready time to go home" and my mom is a little hurt that I wont stay and have some pie. She knows why and is supposidly trying to loose weight herself. But I stand my ground and my dad sticks up for me and tells them to leave me alone. He knows I'd cave to my mom's feelings. It's what I do.

A little back story. My mother has PKD (Polycystic kidney disease) and liver disease. It is hereditary. She is the youngest of 11 kids and 5 of them have it. She has been overweight for as long as I can remember. All her family is overweight. And of course you are supposed to take good care of yourself when you have this disease. I am going to be tested for PKD on Feb 1st. I am the middle of 3. I have many of the symptoms and it is 25-50% likely to be passed on to the child of a carrier of the gene depending on if one or both parents are a carrier. I could also pass it on to my children. (This part scares the bejesus out of me) Point being that i don't want to be 50 and overweight and dealing with this disease like my mom is. I want to live a long (as possible) and healthy life.

So....I am proud of myself for refusing my mom's pie and for sticking to plan. I made it just under 1500 cal yesterday and today. It feels good to build up this confidence in myself. I feel like I don't have to be unhealthy. Like it is a choice. And I am making that choice.

Today was a rough day for me. My youngest son is prone to temper tantrums and my oldest is haveing trouble in shcool (his IQ is highest in the class but doesn't want to do the work). And the two of them did a number on me after school. I still managed NOT to turn to food for comfort. As I so often do.

I'm worried that my youngest son (5) will be overweight. He is a good eater but a little too much. He has just started to get a little on the chubby side since September. He seems to eat nonstop. And is always hungry. I think he is due for a growth spurt but i still worry. I wouldn't want him to have to deal with being overweight. So I'm watching and waiting and trying to throw as mych fruit and veg into his neverending parade of snacks as possible.

So 2 successful days in a row "Plan"wise and I am exhausted. So off to bath some kids and fight over homework.
Cheers
Traceyelaine

Three Days Grace

No, not the band. I am into this whole life changing thing by 3 days and it's not going according to plan. At least the eating right part isn't. I manage to eat perfectly all day and then night time loome and so does the cravings. The mindless sleepy cravings. Chips and ice cream sneaking into my belly. It's discouraging to say the least but today is yet another new day and filled with just as much determination and enthusiasim as the last 3. At least i think so.

It's still early and my mind isn't cooperating. All the things I want to say are getting lost somewhere between my brain and fingers. A walk is in order. Get the body moving and the mind will follow. We'll see.