Addict!

I think it is time for a n intervention on myself. I am a serious food addict. It feels so wrong. Like yesterday I had icecream and pizza and cookies. And after the fact was like "what the fak. WHAT DID YOU DO?" I feel out of controll. No wonder it has taken like 2 years for me to lose 60lbs. I don't want it to take another 3 to lose the next 70lbs. I need to finish this this year.

I did get a call from Family Services yesterday. My name came up on the waiting list for counciling. I hope that hepls. I feel like it is something I realy need. I am going to try AGAIN to start bloging daily. Right now my brain is on jumble mode but i had to start somewhere.

This constant conflicting feeling of being ready to do this for real and being suckered into flaking out by my own messed up mind it BEYOND frustrating.

It is morning and I just finished my breakfast. 1 egg, WG toast and v8. Then I am watching biggest loser then off for a workout. Today has to be the day. It has to be the first day of doing this thing.

OMG the stress!

I am soo stressed out lately. Not that stress is something new for me. I am dealing with it without scarfing down junk. For instance last night I came home from work to the neighbor's yard full of cars and a huge party going on. These ppl are degenerates and low lifes and we have had nothing but trouble from them. The police are there constantly, our home was broken into last summer by one of their friends that was staying with them, fights, drinking and driving, so on and so on. Anyway, so when they have big parties it makes me very nervous. I was beside myself wanting a junkie treat. I complained and pouted. But I didn't get something. Hubby talked me down and eventualy I fell asleep. So there is a win for me I guess.

I have a problem with cleaning. I am a neat freak. Like full out ocd about it (exagerating but still). Mess makes me panic. I have been working alot this week and hubb is the opposit of me. He basicaly cleans...nothing. He's kind of useless in that department. So as the clutter and mess grows so does my anxiety about it. For the life of me I don't know how to get over this.

My youngest son is giving me emense termoil. The temper tantrums and the defiance and the mischeif. Always into something, always yelling, always doing the opposit of what I say. Does not listen in any way. My other kids are not like this. If he isn't home the other 3 kids...well it seems like there are no kids here. I love hime and he can be the sweetest and the cutest and...I just don't know how to handle him. I feel like I went so wrong somewhere and I don't know how to help him. Everything is a fight or screaming match. It starts the moment he wakes up untill he is sleeping. It's very overwhelming.

Anywho. Off to try to get some workout in before the day goes all to hell.

Thanks for the Cheesey Potatoes....and the the Bacon Burger.

As per usual I had Sunday supper at my mom's yesterday. We had steak and these rediculously unhealthy cheesey potatoes. Then that night me and hubby order bacon cheese burgers from our fav resturant. So it is no surprise that the scale has not been moving an smidge.

I need to focus on my food and get this done. Like ASAP. I need to get out of the 200's by summertime. I can do this. I have to focus. That is so hard. I always feel so confused and off track with everything.

I have been major stressed out lately. Life seems so chaotic and I don't know how to focus on anything.I have all these ideas of how to make things better. Like eating, I know what to eat and how much. But it never works out that way. Same with everything form my kids to my job. I am spread too thin over my life. I am scared that I am not the only one suffering from it either.

Today has possibility though. Today could be a better day. Or not...

Oatmeal & P90X

After a full week of eating slips here and there My TOM is over and I feel amazing again. Yesterday was spot on. I have been trying to do P90X with my husband at least every other day. I realy want this and I want to be in good shape not just smaller. I want to be ripped lol. That thought kind of makes me laugh. I was thin in highschool but not muscley at all. It'[s hard to think of.

For like the last year I have had oatmeal with apples for breakfast. The instant kind. But I tried the stove top stuff this morning. The regular kind. BARF! It's like eating wet cardboard. Back to the instant stuff for me I guess.

I have to go get a new scale this week. I was down another 2 lbs on my mom's scale but I don't trust it. I was thinking about weighing myself on the industrial scale at the shop. It's pretty acurate. I'd have to keep doing that tho. And I don't know how crazy I am about the guys at the shop seeing how much I actualy weigh.

I have always been told I cary my weight well. I've even been told not to loose too much more. PPl never believe me that I was almost 300lbs and that I n0w weigh like 220lbs. but maybe that is what ppl are supposed to say.

Questions

I question everything. My parenting skills, my worth as person, my relationship with my husband, by ability to loose or not loose weight. This happens to be a pretty terrible morning. I am so stuck in such a bad spot. I just feel like my whole life is so unhealthy. I mean I try to lead a normal life. But I am so ashamed of my life that I avoid everything. People make me uncomfortable. I talk to no one because, well what would I say. What conversation would I have with my friend, if I had one? "Oh well, my husband is mean. Or at least that is the way I feel it but he thinks he's awesome. And my kids are having problems in school and they never listen to me. But that is because I'm a useless parent. What kind of parent can't get their kid to eat breakfast? Me that's who. Oh ya and as much as I want to not be fat I also have no will power and can't."

What am I doing in this life. Why am I still going round in this sick life. That's what it is sick. Unhealthy. But I don't know...I don't know what to do. I feel helpless. I feel like every time I try to make things better, I get slapped out of it. Thisngs are so bad I can't even type them. Becayse it is embarrasing. I would be told I am stupid for typing anything in the first place. I should just get over it and shut up and and stop being such a baby. I should never talk to anyone about anything.

Starting to sound a little on the crazy side of things now. I feel a little on the crazy side too. This is wrong and I need to do something about it. This is wrong. I HAVE TO CHANGE THIS!

EEFFFFFF!

Last night was the fights and I had chips and icecream and pizza. EFF! This morning I weighed 228. I know that it is likely that some of that is sodium and whatever. But realy what the hell am I doing? I worked out insanely hard yesterday. I did P90X Kempo Karate with my hubby and his friend. 1 hour I didn't give up (legs dying from P90X legs and back the day before) and today i am in serious pain all over. I am not going to stop. But I wish I hadn't shoved all that useless calories into my body.

And where the eff is my period. I mean I wish it would just hury up and get here so I could move on. I hate feeling like this. This whole week was like winter again. In every way. And the nice warm weather is supposed to start up again on Mon. That will be a relief. I need some nice weather to motivate me.

I just need to focus. This is going to be rough though. Auggie's bithday supper is at my mom's today and then here on Wednesday. Then Easter the following Sunday, then Chase's birthday that Thursday, then a party for both boys that Friday. Oh lord. Nervous to say the least. If I had stayed on plan till then I would be solid. But I am on that slippery slope. And I am slipping.

Anyway. I have to go get a good workout in before I have to make a monkey birthday cake.

Side Effects

Worst night. Worked untill midnight last night. Ate...ok all day and had subway mini for supper. Got home and Tyler had a case of beer. Fine you're getting beer, I'm getting McDonalds. Made perfect sense at 12:45am. Came back home, now after 1am. Ate my burger in bed then went to sleep. WORST IDEA EVER! I know this is the PMS fcuking with me. It happens every time. I cannot get my energy up, I crave crappy food. Even my breathing is more difficult. I did workout 2X yesterday. I did 1 hour walking outside then later did legs and back video from P90X. Walking is a might difficult today. But that in no way makes up for the crap i put in my body yesterday.

Because of all this PMS and sodium up the wazoo I am up to 227lbs this morning. Mind you it feels like I have a small country living in my belly I'm so bloated. Wanna know what else sucks? Cuz I'll tell ya. We had 2 weeks of amazingly spring like weather and yesterday right after my walk it started to snow. Now it looks like winter again and instead of 4-8 degrees celciuc it is like 15 below zero. COLD. I hate the COLD. I will walk in the rain or sun or heat but not freezing cold snow.

OK I know I sound like a whiney little baby right now and I kind of feel like one. It's one of those things where everything is comming together amazingly and the FLOP. Now I am not beaten. I have noticed that although on the first day I was terribly depressed and yesterday I was kind a weepy to. It's not as devistating as before. So there is something to my plan to stomp out this PMDD with diet and exercise. I caved in spots and haven't got it yet but I will. And today is a new day. I will not be outside walking around but I have a gum in my basement and I'll be doing some p90x today. I will get past this by the skin of my teeth this time but next time I will be ready for it.

Tonight is UFC 111 and GSP is fighting that new British guy. So we'll be watching that and I dread some snacks sneaking in the house. I'll have to be extra good all day to prepare just incase. Luck to me.